Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Becoming an Official New Yorker- Thrillist

25 things you need to do before you’re officially a New Yorker 

TO SEE PIX:

http://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/new-york/things-to-do-before-you-can-call-yourself-a-new-yorker-nyc

 

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I'm a "native New Yorker". Which means I was born here. Which means I can call myself a New Yorker. Now, if you weren't born here, whether or not you can do the same gets a little fuzzier, but how about we start here: if you haven’t at least done all of these things, let's go ahead and say you’re definitely not a New Yorker. Yet.


Flickr/Matthew Rutledge

1. Drink a 40oz from a paper bag

Also a qualifier: a "Brass Monkey", aka a 40 that's been half drunk, then topped off with orange juice.
 

2. Hate the European mustard barons or whoever else is creating the luxury condo market

And ensuring that you will never, ever be able to buy. The only thing deader than the New York City middle class is me after angry mustard barons find where I live after they finish reading this sentence.
 

3. Ride in the empty train car

Hereby risking permanent nostril damage by exposing yourself to whatever noxious fumes evacuated that car, because "it’s 5:30pm and I’m tired and I’m going to be on the F for like two hours and my capacity to care about anything has reached depths heretofore unknown to mankind". Note: you don't have to do this multiple times to lay claim to the NYer moniker.
Jacqeuline Dole

4. Stand in line for brunch like an asshole

The biggest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that $15 scrambled eggs are good. I think New Yorkers actually hate brunch (that’s my opinion), even though they say they like it. This confuses and angers me. But, such is the duality of man and New Yorkers, that both a hate and love of this institution can define us as true participants of this mighty metropolis.

(Screw brunch in the armpit, though.)
 

5. Drink a quarter water

So named because they cost $.25. Downing these was a key part of growing up here. Childhood lore had quarter water causing every kind of cancer. In reality, they’re like watered-down Kool-Aid where the water is some kind of industrial chimney solvent from 19th century London. That said, they probably don’t cause cancer and actually taste okay! Initiate yourself fully into the deli elite by buying the version that’s blue, the most unnatural of drink colors.
 

6. Give tourists the wrong directions 

Not on purpose! You’re gonna get ambushed by some fanny-packed family brokenly asking where the "potato store" is and you’re going to say "did you mean Apple?" and they’ll just twist their heads sideways in what could be a nod? Maybe? And then you’re going to direct them someway they probably didn’t want to go but, hey, you tried, right?
 

7. Stop being a buckethead who bemoans transplants

And instead realize that it’s the massive influx of the kind of people brave enough to try and make it here that created one of the greatest cities in the world. Nothing is more tedious than hearing people whine about "kids from Ohio" or whatever. My man, you’re probably from Scranton, so just pump the breaks.
 

8. Swim in a public pool

Risking a staff infection to cool off in the summer is a right of passage everyone should take. Also, antibiotics.
 

9. Survive a blackout

Now that hurricanes apparently hit New York every other year, you won’t have to wait until a really hot summer to experience all the fun of no power for days! Maybe weeks!
Flickr/Scott Smith

10. Root for the Mets

Cheering for the Yankees is easy and they’ve got fans all over the world. The least you can do is feel sorry enough for the moribund Metropolitans to let out one sad "Wooo" on their behalf.
 

11. Have a screaming argument with a stranger on the street

If you haven’t had your own "Hey, I’m walkin’ here!" moment, you can't call yourself a NYer.
 

12. Have a favorite New York Post headline

Once you understand that the Post has recursively become inadvertent and brilliant satire, you’ll realize there’s nothing funnier in the world.
 

13. Know that the best staircase at the West 4th St stop is actually behind the first set of descending stairs

... on the uptown end of the station. This is unquestionably true.
 

14. Strongly consider, and maybe start actually plotting, acts of violence against your cable company

One call with customer service should put you in the right mood for committing a crime so heinous only The Hague could possibly adjudicate it.


Flickr/Matt Green

15. Refer to Manhattan as "The City" no matter where in the world you are

It’s the Highlander of municipalities.
 

16. Walk fast

New Yorkers understand that slow walkers are the ISIS of pedestrians. This is a cliche, but it’s true.
 

17. Realize that every parade is terrible and parades in general are just a bad idea

You know who liked parades? Hitler.
 

18. Watch basketball at The Cage or Rucker Park

If only for the smack talking and the repeated fantasy that will run through your mind where someone goes down with an ankle injury and a player looks at you and points and you’re like, "me? Whu? Okay." and then you just mercilessly reenact NBA Jam for 45 minutes followed by walking off the court to whispers of "who was that guy?".
Flickr/InSapphoWeTrust

19. Go to the Natural History Museum and stand under the whale

This city can always find a way to make you feel small and this is the nicest form that will ever take.
 

20. Sit on a stoop

And get the hell off if the owner asks you to.
 

21. Realize that those little tubes with plastic flowers at the deli are sold as improvised drug pipes

True stories.
 

22. Think Jimmy McMillan’s political platform is actually pretty sound

The rent is rather high. Too damn high, some might say.
Christopher DiScipio

23. Have a very strong opinion on the best slice in the city

Doesn’t matter what pizza you think is the greatest, but you have to pick one. "I dunno, I really like the sauce at Grimaldi’s, but the cheese at Lombardi’s is probably..." shut your mouth. Shut it. Shhhh. Having strong opinions -- and strong opinions about pizza especially -- is a quintessential New Yorker trait. And if you think some place outside of New York has better pizza, you’re the reason bad things happen to good people.
 

24. Play dominoes outside

Park chess is for nerds and bad movies that want to show how intellectual "urban" people can be, which is offensive and insulting and stupid. Plus, slamming domino pieces against a rickety card table is way more satisfying than smugly whispering "check".
 

25. Have a good train story

Whether it’s a homeless man... um... loving himself, an "it’s show time!" kid kicking someone in the face, or falling asleep and waking up in Far Rockaway and being totally weirded out because, holy crap, there’s like this funny little beach town in New York City -- you gotta have at least one good MTA tale to share with friends. Because, really, that’s what the city is all about: telling your pals about that time someone really got to know his right hand on the R train.

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Jesse was born in Beth Israel hospital sometime in the 1980s and continues to live here now. You can angrily disagree with him via Twitter.


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