4. Stand in line for brunch like an asshole
The biggest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that $15 scrambled eggs are good. I think New Yorkers actually hate brunch (that’s my opinion), even though
they say they like it. This confuses and angers me. But, such is the duality of man and New Yorkers, that both a hate and love of this institution can define us as true participants of this mighty metropolis.
(Screw brunch in the armpit, though.)
5. Drink a quarter water
So named because they cost $.25. Downing these was a key part of growing up here. Childhood lore had quarter water causing every kind of cancer. In reality, they’re like watered-down Kool-Aid where the water is some kind of industrial chimney solvent from 19th century London. That said, they probably don’t cause cancer and actually taste okay! Initiate yourself fully into the deli elite by buying the version that’s blue, the most unnatural of drink colors.
6. Give tourists the wrong directions
Not on purpose! You’re gonna get ambushed by some fanny-packed family brokenly asking where the "potato store" is and you’re going to say "did you mean Apple?" and they’ll just twist their heads sideways in what could be a nod? Maybe? And then you’re going to direct them someway they probably didn’t want to go but, hey, you tried, right?
7. Stop being a buckethead who bemoans transplants
And instead realize that it’s the massive influx of the kind of people brave enough to try and make it here that created one of the greatest cities in the world. Nothing is more tedious than hearing people whine about "kids from Ohio" or whatever. My man, you’re probably from Scranton, so just pump the breaks.
8. Swim in a public pool
Risking a staff infection to cool off in the summer is a right of passage everyone should take. Also, antibiotics.
9. Survive a blackout
Now that hurricanes apparently hit New York every other year, you won’t have to wait until a really hot summer to experience all the fun of no power for days! Maybe weeks!
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